Full Throttle

It wasn't until I was about half-way through my mid-life crisis and hormonally imbalanced transgressions that I realized I have been operating full throttle on survival mode. Now, I don't want to bitch about it- that's not what I am getting at. I've just finally come to terms with my cynicism, sarcasm, zero tolerance for lame ass losers, and anything or anyone else that doesn't either pay my bills, put jars of peanut butter in my fridge or satisfy my 40 something year old body parts.

Being a full-time single mom and unless otherwise noted single dad when necessary is daunting at times- ok more times than I care to say. Again, I am not bitching about it. I put myself here. Knowingly, I made the decision to pack up my broken dreams, shattered heart, two kids, cat and my Wal-Mart plastic raft (because my ship still hasn't docked yet) and head on the trail to single motherhood.

It was almost 4 years ago. My kids were practically still in diapers when I set out to "do it alone". Jesus, I don't know how we survived even a second of the real world. I had balls I can tell you that much- hence the hormonal imbalance. I was a mouse in a maze, constantly looking for the big cheese and somehow always hitting the blocks, bouncing off and searching again. Actually, when I think back, I have forever been in super survival mode. Maybe it's the Virgo in me, maybe it's my mom who taught me the essence or pure cynicism, maybe it's the 100 foot wall I built around myself and my kids. Whatever it is or has been, all I really know how to do is survive.

Forget the idea of living. Forget the joys of motherhood (blah). Forget the idea of romance (hehehehehe). Forget: relationships, peace of mind, happiness, love, feelings, emotions, or anything that requires an ounce of energy or thought. Forget it all, at least for now.